Is anyone really reading this?

Happy Valentines Day.  I felt like it just kept coming. Last night I got new earrings from Dave. This morning Dave threw a pile of new clothes on top of me - a skirt and two sweaters.  As a family we went to breakfast, the girls got their nails done, we got ice cream, topped it off with pizza for dinner.  While we were gone, we had out house cleaned.  I think everyone should have someone clean their house at some point. It's great to spend the day together as a family and come home to a clean house.

One of my best friends moved away this week. I'm already missing her and her family.

Luke went to astro camp this week, and he absolutely loved it. He was gone for three days and two nights. Ella kept trying to sleep in his bed while he was gone because she missed him so much. I think I missed him the most though. He's such a good boy. He's home now and all is well (well, he never did talk to his crush).

Lastly, we sold our van. It was such a good car for us. I was kind of sad to see it go. It's funny how sentimental a car can be.

Until next time...

Back and better than ever

Okay, here we go...feeling like myself again, for the first time in years. Trying to be a better mom and a better friend. Trying to get stronger and trying to put the past where it belongs - in the past.  I will never forget what's important, which is my life and the life of my kids.  Yesterday we said goodbye to an old friend, our Honda Odyssey. Today I met a new friend, the one in the cute blanket above. Her name is Claire, and she's making me very baby hungry. In fact, I'm starving. One day I will have a baby. When I set my mind to something, I usually get it.

The picture above is of me and my dear friend Kelly, who has been there for me when other's haven't. She's a true friend and I'll be forever grateful for her.

Need to get to bed. It's been a long day. Thank you for reading.

Today started off on a sad note: Ella threw up at school and had to come home. She threw up a few more times and had a fever all day. The house was pretty quiet with her in bed most of the day.

Dave had his interview today with Harvey Mudd for the full-time position today. It was a Skype interview, which was sort of weird, he said (especially since his office is down the hall from the room they Skyped from). Now we have to wait. I hate waiting.

Olivia had a fun playdate with her sweet friend Sophia. Ella was supposed to go too, but couldn't. Her best friend, Annabelle, is Sophia's older sister. They love playing with them.

Charlotte was such a great helper today: Dave put together a bookcase and Charlotte was there every step of the way handing him tools, parts, and whatever she could do to help.

Tomorrow I have a neurology appointment and PT.  Stay tuned for a post about our recent Utah trip, Christmas, New Years, etc.

okay, Im back, this isOK YHIS IS MY NEW Years resolution: to be better at blogging again. i can barely see out oh my left eye and couldn't really talk to type, let alone with 1 hand.  my left hand is still completely paralyzed. which really stinks. i mean really. so here we go. bare with me.

November 22, 2010

Many of you already know the story.

On November 22, 2010, Jill suffered a cardiac arrest. We had just finished watching a video of Charlotte's birth. Jill and I were on the couch. Luke was at school, Olivia and Ella were playing and Charlotte was napping.

Around 10am, Jill said, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Within seconds, she got stiff and started moving her arms awkwardly. I thought she was joking because she always jokes likes this. It just looked too fake, but within seconds I realized it was real. It was the eyes. No one could fake that blank look.

Her breathing got more shallow, and soon she was snorting for breath. I had the phone. I said, you better not be kidding. I'm going to call 911. I was holding out hope that it was Jill being Jill.

But it wasn't. I called 911, told them what happened. Within 30 seconds I heard a siren in the distance. On the phone, they were asking all sorts of questions: is she breathing? can you feel a pulse? where is she now? Maybe. I think so. I couldn't tell the difference between my own racing heartbeat and heavy breathing. My heartbeat was in my ears.

They had me move her to the ground. Things began to sink in at this point. I felt no life in her as I struggled to get her on the ground. Once the ground, they asked me if I could feel her pulse and breathing, and I tried to say no, but it didn't come out.

Just as they told me to start CPR, there was a knock on the door. I ran and answered it. The paramedics arrived and told me to take the kids in the basement.

The county sheriff came down and took my statement of what happened. A few minutes later, he came back down and said, You better get to the hospital. I don't know how she's doing. I only know they were working her pretty hard.

I dropped the kids off and went to the ER. I expected someone to come out and tell me they did all they could, but she didn't make it. I waited.

When someone came to get me, I was ushered into an ominous little waiting room. No one seemed to know what was going on. I was visited by a chaplain. A social worker from the sheriff's department.

Finally, a nurse peeked in: You can see her in a few minutes. She's just finishing her MRI.

Just like that, as if I already knew she was alive.

When I finally see her, she's surrounded by tubes and wires and they're dropping her temperature to the low 90's to prevent further damage to her heart and brain.

She spent the rest of the day shivering and sedated into an induced coma.

These pictures are from day two.

Our time

Sometimes I feel starved for time alone with my Husband. Sometimes I NEED a break from my sweet crew. Sometimes I am too tired to play horsey or kitty or tag or tickle monster.

Problem is we are on a tight budget, trying to pay bills and keep some change in reserve for Christmas.

So... whats the answer when you need a little break but cant pay a babysitter?

You round your kids up, get your swimsuit's ready, make a bottle to bring along and head up Pine Ln. You drop off your favorite 4 kiddo's at the enormous play center at Lifetime Fitness. You then meet your cute Husband, who looks too good in his trunks 'cuz he's lost 23 pounds, in the Jacuzzi. You sit and talk and enjoy the hot, relaxing water. You stay in there for only 30 minutes because you know its time to get your kids home for bed. So you take a deep relaxing breath, get out, get dressed and re-unite with your kids, who you are now ready to play kitty cats with.

Sometimes all we need is a jacuzzi and a 30 minute time out with our Spouse. It can be that little bit of sanity that we were desperate for.

Luke

I remember being a first time Mom. There were so many beautiful things about it. I loved being able to give this little boy all of my time and attention. I had two hands, which meant I could hold Luke's hand and my Husbands hand simultaneously. I only had to pack a small diaper bag for Church each Sunday and I only needed to gear treasures and snacks for 1 age. We never missed a bed time or a playdate or an appointment. When it was nap time there were 2 heads that would hit the pillow, Lukes and then my own. I could prepare a meal for everyone based on what Luke would eat. Going to the grocery store was never put off until Dave was home and spontaneous walks and other such outings occurred on a very regular basis.

There were a few scary things about a first baby as well. I read the "What to Expect: The first year" frequently. I wondered if binky's would cause speech delays, the day her turned 1 the bottle was taken away; never to be seen again, pajamas were never worn 2 nights in a row, diapers were changes the very minute he woke up so that I never chanced a diaper rash. I bathed him every single evening so that I could be sure that he was hitting his bed as cleanly as possible. I stressed out over, what now seems like, the most insignificant details. But what I worried most about were milestones. I remember thinking that, upon sitting up at barely 5 month old, that he was a genius. And when he crawled at 8 months old I thought "He'll probably be average, average is okay, right?" When he didn't walk until he was 13 1/2 months old I worried that he may struggle all through School, getting by with a 2.8 GPA. What if he didn't get into College? We'd still praise him and tell him how much we loved him anyways, even if he weren't quite as smart as his friend, who started walking at 9 months. I was sure that friend would win all of the spelling bee's and probably get into an Ivy League School.

Clearly Im over-exaggerating a bit but the principal was still the same. I thought that those milestones defined much bigger things then they really did. That it defined brilliance. I wondered how he'd measure up. I always worried.

Here we are, almost 7 years later, and I am proud to say that this late walker is doing just fine. He's in advanced math groups and is reading ahead by over a year. He is, what we believe to be, developing somewhat of a photographic memory. He can't wait to go to College to be a Pediatric Neurologist. His Teacher couldn't believe that a little boy, once constantly plagued by Aspergers Syndrome, could possibly come this far in this short amount of time. She said that its been a first in her career as a teacher to be this blown away by such rapid progress. It's mind-boggling to me that he has gone from speech therapy, behavior therapy, OT, and Social Skills groups. From a boy who would scream bloody murder if anything about his day was "off" and who would scratch and bite me until I would bleed. This boy who could not hold a spoon to feed himself until he was almost 2 is now a very well-liked, wonderfully behaved, smart little 6 year old who can memorize page numbers and detailed facts about all sorts of things. I think its nothing short of his hard work and a blessing from on High... and here I was, many years ago, worried that he may struggle, indefinitely, in just about every aspect of his life.

Luke has been a great example to me of what never giving up can become.