Is anyone really reading this?

Happy Valentines Day.  I felt like it just kept coming. Last night I got new earrings from Dave. This morning Dave threw a pile of new clothes on top of me - a skirt and two sweaters.  As a family we went to breakfast, the girls got their nails done, we got ice cream, topped it off with pizza for dinner.  While we were gone, we had out house cleaned.  I think everyone should have someone clean their house at some point. It's great to spend the day together as a family and come home to a clean house.

One of my best friends moved away this week. I'm already missing her and her family.

Luke went to astro camp this week, and he absolutely loved it. He was gone for three days and two nights. Ella kept trying to sleep in his bed while he was gone because she missed him so much. I think I missed him the most though. He's such a good boy. He's home now and all is well (well, he never did talk to his crush).

Lastly, we sold our van. It was such a good car for us. I was kind of sad to see it go. It's funny how sentimental a car can be.

Until next time...

Back and better than ever

Okay, here we go...feeling like myself again, for the first time in years. Trying to be a better mom and a better friend. Trying to get stronger and trying to put the past where it belongs - in the past.  I will never forget what's important, which is my life and the life of my kids.  Yesterday we said goodbye to an old friend, our Honda Odyssey. Today I met a new friend, the one in the cute blanket above. Her name is Claire, and she's making me very baby hungry. In fact, I'm starving. One day I will have a baby. When I set my mind to something, I usually get it.

The picture above is of me and my dear friend Kelly, who has been there for me when other's haven't. She's a true friend and I'll be forever grateful for her.

Need to get to bed. It's been a long day. Thank you for reading.

Today started off on a sad note: Ella threw up at school and had to come home. She threw up a few more times and had a fever all day. The house was pretty quiet with her in bed most of the day.

Dave had his interview today with Harvey Mudd for the full-time position today. It was a Skype interview, which was sort of weird, he said (especially since his office is down the hall from the room they Skyped from). Now we have to wait. I hate waiting.

Olivia had a fun playdate with her sweet friend Sophia. Ella was supposed to go too, but couldn't. Her best friend, Annabelle, is Sophia's older sister. They love playing with them.

Charlotte was such a great helper today: Dave put together a bookcase and Charlotte was there every step of the way handing him tools, parts, and whatever she could do to help.

Tomorrow I have a neurology appointment and PT.  Stay tuned for a post about our recent Utah trip, Christmas, New Years, etc.

okay, Im back, this isOK YHIS IS MY NEW Years resolution: to be better at blogging again. i can barely see out oh my left eye and couldn't really talk to type, let alone with 1 hand.  my left hand is still completely paralyzed. which really stinks. i mean really. so here we go. bare with me.

November 22, 2010

Many of you already know the story.

On November 22, 2010, Jill suffered a cardiac arrest. We had just finished watching a video of Charlotte's birth. Jill and I were on the couch. Luke was at school, Olivia and Ella were playing and Charlotte was napping.

Around 10am, Jill said, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Within seconds, she got stiff and started moving her arms awkwardly. I thought she was joking because she always jokes likes this. It just looked too fake, but within seconds I realized it was real. It was the eyes. No one could fake that blank look.

Her breathing got more shallow, and soon she was snorting for breath. I had the phone. I said, you better not be kidding. I'm going to call 911. I was holding out hope that it was Jill being Jill.

But it wasn't. I called 911, told them what happened. Within 30 seconds I heard a siren in the distance. On the phone, they were asking all sorts of questions: is she breathing? can you feel a pulse? where is she now? Maybe. I think so. I couldn't tell the difference between my own racing heartbeat and heavy breathing. My heartbeat was in my ears.

They had me move her to the ground. Things began to sink in at this point. I felt no life in her as I struggled to get her on the ground. Once the ground, they asked me if I could feel her pulse and breathing, and I tried to say no, but it didn't come out.

Just as they told me to start CPR, there was a knock on the door. I ran and answered it. The paramedics arrived and told me to take the kids in the basement.

The county sheriff came down and took my statement of what happened. A few minutes later, he came back down and said, You better get to the hospital. I don't know how she's doing. I only know they were working her pretty hard.

I dropped the kids off and went to the ER. I expected someone to come out and tell me they did all they could, but she didn't make it. I waited.

When someone came to get me, I was ushered into an ominous little waiting room. No one seemed to know what was going on. I was visited by a chaplain. A social worker from the sheriff's department.

Finally, a nurse peeked in: You can see her in a few minutes. She's just finishing her MRI.

Just like that, as if I already knew she was alive.

When I finally see her, she's surrounded by tubes and wires and they're dropping her temperature to the low 90's to prevent further damage to her heart and brain.

She spent the rest of the day shivering and sedated into an induced coma.

These pictures are from day two.

Our time

Sometimes I feel starved for time alone with my Husband. Sometimes I NEED a break from my sweet crew. Sometimes I am too tired to play horsey or kitty or tag or tickle monster.

Problem is we are on a tight budget, trying to pay bills and keep some change in reserve for Christmas.

So... whats the answer when you need a little break but cant pay a babysitter?

You round your kids up, get your swimsuit's ready, make a bottle to bring along and head up Pine Ln. You drop off your favorite 4 kiddo's at the enormous play center at Lifetime Fitness. You then meet your cute Husband, who looks too good in his trunks 'cuz he's lost 23 pounds, in the Jacuzzi. You sit and talk and enjoy the hot, relaxing water. You stay in there for only 30 minutes because you know its time to get your kids home for bed. So you take a deep relaxing breath, get out, get dressed and re-unite with your kids, who you are now ready to play kitty cats with.

Sometimes all we need is a jacuzzi and a 30 minute time out with our Spouse. It can be that little bit of sanity that we were desperate for.

Luke

I remember being a first time Mom. There were so many beautiful things about it. I loved being able to give this little boy all of my time and attention. I had two hands, which meant I could hold Luke's hand and my Husbands hand simultaneously. I only had to pack a small diaper bag for Church each Sunday and I only needed to gear treasures and snacks for 1 age. We never missed a bed time or a playdate or an appointment. When it was nap time there were 2 heads that would hit the pillow, Lukes and then my own. I could prepare a meal for everyone based on what Luke would eat. Going to the grocery store was never put off until Dave was home and spontaneous walks and other such outings occurred on a very regular basis.

There were a few scary things about a first baby as well. I read the "What to Expect: The first year" frequently. I wondered if binky's would cause speech delays, the day her turned 1 the bottle was taken away; never to be seen again, pajamas were never worn 2 nights in a row, diapers were changes the very minute he woke up so that I never chanced a diaper rash. I bathed him every single evening so that I could be sure that he was hitting his bed as cleanly as possible. I stressed out over, what now seems like, the most insignificant details. But what I worried most about were milestones. I remember thinking that, upon sitting up at barely 5 month old, that he was a genius. And when he crawled at 8 months old I thought "He'll probably be average, average is okay, right?" When he didn't walk until he was 13 1/2 months old I worried that he may struggle all through School, getting by with a 2.8 GPA. What if he didn't get into College? We'd still praise him and tell him how much we loved him anyways, even if he weren't quite as smart as his friend, who started walking at 9 months. I was sure that friend would win all of the spelling bee's and probably get into an Ivy League School.

Clearly Im over-exaggerating a bit but the principal was still the same. I thought that those milestones defined much bigger things then they really did. That it defined brilliance. I wondered how he'd measure up. I always worried.

Here we are, almost 7 years later, and I am proud to say that this late walker is doing just fine. He's in advanced math groups and is reading ahead by over a year. He is, what we believe to be, developing somewhat of a photographic memory. He can't wait to go to College to be a Pediatric Neurologist. His Teacher couldn't believe that a little boy, once constantly plagued by Aspergers Syndrome, could possibly come this far in this short amount of time. She said that its been a first in her career as a teacher to be this blown away by such rapid progress. It's mind-boggling to me that he has gone from speech therapy, behavior therapy, OT, and Social Skills groups. From a boy who would scream bloody murder if anything about his day was "off" and who would scratch and bite me until I would bleed. This boy who could not hold a spoon to feed himself until he was almost 2 is now a very well-liked, wonderfully behaved, smart little 6 year old who can memorize page numbers and detailed facts about all sorts of things. I think its nothing short of his hard work and a blessing from on High... and here I was, many years ago, worried that he may struggle, indefinitely, in just about every aspect of his life.

Luke has been a great example to me of what never giving up can become.

Liv can do hard things

Sometimes as Parents we set ourselves up. We do whats easy at the time and then we realize later on how hard those things become to break. At least I do.

When Olivia was almost 1 she couldn't really care less about her binky. She slept with it. And that was it. When she woke up from naps or from a good nights sleep she immediately threw it back into her bed, waved, and that was it. That binky was perfectly content in its home... Olivia's bed. It was easy. No kid with a constant pacifier in their mouth, no crying when we forgot it on an outing, no making its way into all of the hidden corners of our home, no straining to understand words through a piece of silicone and plastic.

Until... that 1 time, that turned into 3 or 4 times, that turned into every day. When I let her take it out of bed with her. Slowly it went from a sleep aid to a best friend. She became that kid, as Ella was, who could not go any place without it. Would not take it out of her mouth except to drink or to eat. It was out of control. And it was my own doing.

Yesterday I was fed up. I hated this binky. Hated. So I took the plunge. Olivia transitions quite well and I knew it needed to be all or nothing. So, out of the blue, I walked into the kitchen and jabbed several slits into it with my steak knife. Handed it back to her and watched the scene unfold.

She put it into her mouth, looked at me with a questionable stare and immediately took it right back out. She held it up to me and whimpered, "binky!"

"Darn it" I said, "It's broken"

She played along for a while and then tried again. Same result. This happened throughout the evening. In the mouth, confused look, right back out. She tried to get me to fix it but I had to let her know it was just not something I could do. It was broken and that was that.

I was sensitive to her concerns. I gave big hugs and we yelled a lot of "darn its" and "Oh Man's" but it clicked. She got it. Her treasured companion was no longer doing its job.

But, you see, my Liv can do hard things!


So, that was it. I thought we'd hear a lot of yelling and crying but we haven't. It's been easy. She's talking more, its been wonderful. She slept great last night and is taking a nap without it as I type this post.

I am so thankful for a little girl who can go with the flow and transition well. We have had others who had major struggles in this area. (Luke)

Farewell binky, we have loved you but its time for you to go. And I couldn't be happier about it. Olivia will get there...

3 months

I think I love this shot because it shows just how big all of her 0-3 month clothes still are. I love, love that she is still teeny-tiny. It just makes me happy.


At 3 months

- I can hold my head up pretty well now. My Mom rarely ever does "tummy time" with me. Mom and Dad need to get better at this. They say every time they lay me down Olivia is all over me. I dont mind it though.

- I love to smile. Mommy didn't get a smile in at this mini photo shoot because I was ready for a bottle 10 minutes before hand. My Mom still likes my stoic looks.

- I laugh when my Mommy plays peek-a-boo. My Siblings really go gaga over this trick.

- I sleep 12-13 hours a night but only take a few hour long naps during the day

- I have gotten much happier through the day. I can sit in my swing, mamaroo, on the couch, or on my play mat for a long while without fussing. I was a little colicky for a few long weeks but I am coming out of that... we are all happy for this.

- Still dont like driving in the car. I just feel sorta' abandoned back there

- I adore my moby wrap and will sleep for 2 or 3 hours in it if Mom will let me.

- I really like my hands. I put them in my mouth all the time, they taste pretty good to me and it was a big day realizing that I have control over those 2 things.

- I wear a size 1 diaper

-I am 9 pounds 7 ounces

- I talk all day long. My Mom thinks I will be a social butterfly like my Sister Ella

- I drink 3 ounce bottles

- I LOVE to snuggle and to be held close and tight

- I am still swaddled each night, though I have broken through it by morning.... I am the first to do this using the Miracle Blanket at this young of an age.

-I went on my first airplane ride this past month. I was such a good girl and didn't make a peep the entire time. I loved being with al of my Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles and Cousins. It was the BEST!!!

- I got 2 new Cousins this month. They are super cute and cool and I cant wait to play with them as much as I can. I'm glad they're here with me now cuz even though playing in Heaven was cool Earth is super awesome... love you Hailey and Nathan.

- I am sweet and happy and cuddly and tiny and beautiful and incredible. My Family really, really adores me.

over it

Is anyone else totally over Halloween? Man, it's been like the never-ending Holiday. And I have my own opinions on why we even celebrate it to start with. Bur its fun to see the kids all dressed up and I have a major love affair with candy, so I've always been a fan of that part.

This year I just feel its been going on too long. Im sure part of that reason is that Im on this crazy-hard diet and I cant have ANY sugar. So here I am, setting out candy corn and donuts for School parties, passing out candy to Church Trunk-Or-Treaters, passing up all sorts of goodies at Halloween festivities... its rough! But I have yet to have a single taste and that self-control has really surprised me.

So, I will be glad when all of the Halloween stuff is over and done with. Im off to eat my apple.

Happy Halloween

from a Pig, a Butterfly, a Strawberry Princess and a Chef.

This was a fun evening. Our Ward did a Trunk-Or-Treat party and the kids had a blast. Charlotte slept through pretty much the entire thing, yes even through the blasting music put on by DJ Jeff... a Ward member who's the best DJ I know. Luke and Ella ran around with their friends the entire time and couldn't wait to get their coveted candy bars. We were lucky in that that day it was around 75 degrees... almost unheard of this late in the Fall. So we were all celebrating that as well.

Olivia started out the night with a bang. She ran right out to the dance floor and danced for about a full hour before she got so sleepy that she wanted to be held the rest of the night.. a rarity for her. As we walked to the car to open up the back for candy goers she started to squeal with delight. She thought we were going home to sleep.

Poor Ella had a rough night. She got tackled to the ground a couple of times by some boys. One of which was pretty brutal. This kid was literally shoving her into a mass of bushes over and over again. I happened to look over there as it was happening and ran over there to stop it. I could see her screaming and stumbling up. As soon as she would get up he'd knock her right back done. I have never been so angry in my life. Poor girl was terrified. But she's way more forgiving that I am and was back to her joyful self in not time, though she woke up with a nightmare that night about the run-in.

All in all it was a fun-filled night. The kids got waaaay too much candy and now I have to stare at it all day as it calls my name.

good taste

Poor Sammy came over for a playdate today... he is a good sport.



I think Olivia needs a lesson in playing hard to get.

I promise... no more kisses next time Sam.

Charlotte Ryan's blessed day

Since the reason for our California visit was for this special event I thought it only right to blog about it first.

On Saturday, October 16. Dave was able to bless Charlotte at Dave's Parents home. It was a beautiful morning filled with our Family. In the past we have blessed our Babies at Church, but I can't express how beautiful this intimate, beautiful setting was.

Dave gave her a lovely blessing.. though, due to Charlotte needing to eat 5 minutes earlier, some may have needed to strain their ears to hear it.




Charlotte's middle name, Ryan, is from this handsome guy. My Brother and one of my best friends.



Good looking group, huhh. This was the smallest our little circle has ever been as we only had Family there.. okay, I see Bob as well but he's Family in our eyes.

She was much happier after she had a full tummy.. and after I took off her bonnet (which was my favorite part of her entire dress)

I had another dress that I was totally in love with. Unfortunately, due to the fact that someone was born 5 pounds, it was waaaay too big and I had to sell it. But I was quite happy with this last minute change up that I purchased.

Thank you to all who were there to make this day even more special. It was an extra treat to have Aunt Bonnie and 3 of her 4 gorgeous girls in town. We love you all.

Quad

This is the first picture we actually have of all of the kids together. Its not a great shot, Olivia did NOT want to sit still (as usual) but it makes me happy and I cant wait for many, many more shots of this crazy group together.

Big

This little knucklehead is not my baby anymore. He hasn't been for some time. He is big. 6 1/2 to be exact. And I marvel at how that happened.

When I was growing up I always wanted my first Child to be a boy. The big brother. The protector. So I was thrilled when I had that first ultrasound which told me that my hopes for a Son were confirmed. And I knew immediately that he would be sweet, kind and very handsome. And he is.

Luke is an incredible kid. He loves music, namely Band of Horses and Iron and Wine. He cant get enough out of learning and he constantly has his nose in a book. I never thought I'd hear myself tell a Child to stop reading but with Luke I just have to sometimes. He started football this year and has really been enjoying it. I think he still likes baseball the best but I have been so proud of his efforts at trying something totally new. He is a great friend and is getting to be so much fun. I could pal around with him all day long. He is super funny and I love to hear his newest jokes, they are actually starting to make sense. I feel like I could talk with him forever, and I try, until he tells me that he doesn't want to talk anymore. I think I wear him out with all of my daily questions.

Luke has started to get a little sassy since starting 1st grade. Its actually pretty funny. He has never been a kid who talked back or made rude comments. Never. He has always done what he's been told. He is a dream. But he's recently started to make little snide comments. And, as much as we need to be more stern with him here, we sometimes can't help but to laugh. Its just all so out of character for him. And sometimes he can really be quite witty.

I love this boy who is growing up before my eyes. He is turning into the coolest kid and I adore every second that I get to spend with him.

magic?

I actually went to the trouble to "get ready" yesterday. Meaning, for the first time since I had the baby I dried and straightened my hair. No ponytail for me. I know, fancy, right?

So I came downstairs looking like this...

nothing too fancy. No make-up, no formal dress... just hair down.

Luke ran over and looked at me with a questioned stare.

" Mommy... what happened?"

"What do you mean?" I replied

"You look so pretty. What happened?"

and then came the best part...

"Did you use magic?"

I suppose I really should put in a little more effort so my Son doesn't think I need magic to make myself look presentable.

2 month stats

Charlotte had her 2 month appointment today. Its crazy to think that, at 8 pounds 6 ounces, She is an entire pound smaller than Luke was when he was born. I love how tiny she is, less than the 3rd percentile, though she looks big to me. It's a nice way to keep her small for as long as possible. Her hight jumped up from the 20% at birth to the 50%. She's getting longer quickly and the Dr. suspects we'll have our 4th tall kiddo.

I love these appointments because its so fun to see how they've grown. I hate these appointments because shots stink. I went ahead with a shot of my own, the flu shot, so that I could empathize with my girl.


gotta love those smiles early on. It almost looks pained... but adorable.

2 years old

This munchkin is so, so much fun. I really mean it when I say that I can't get enough of her. She is super silly and sweet. She loves to give hugs and kisses to our entire Family. She is kind and fun. I just adore her.



Here are a few things about Liv at age 2.

- She has gone from only being willing to watch "Elmo" to now enjoying Backyardigans, Yo Gabba Gabba, Blues Clues and Little Einsteins. I am grateful for this shift.

- She has been doing speech therapy, due to 6 month's of fluid in her ears, for about 6 weeks now and her language is coming along so quickly. She has been without the fluid in the ears since early August so we assume that is why she's picking up her speech so rapidly. Its amazing what happens when it doesn't sound like you're underwater!

- Olivia adores her baby Sister. She has transitioned so beautifully from our baby to a big Sister. She will bring Charlotte her blankets, binky, diapers. She holds her bottle and kisses her constantly. She's such a nurturer.

- She loves to play and climb. She has amazing balance and can even stand on 1 foot for extended periods of time. In her evaluations with the County she scored about a year ahead in her physical abilities. Dave hopes this means that she will be a good athlete. Okay, so do I.

- She still calls Dave Mama. Its hilarious. She can say "dada" perfectly but she just wont go for it. Dave has gotten used to it and now answers when called.

- Liv is our best listener. Its a beautiful thing.

-She's quite obedient and gets very upset when she gets into trouble.

-She is a great dancer. Really, she can bust out some pretty darn cute dance moves.

- A few days after we got home from the Hospital she decided she wanted NOTHING to do with her bed. She slept that night in a twin bed in Luke's room and never looked back. She loves to be big and has yet to get out of her bed until she wakes up.

- She wants to go pee pee on the potty so badly. She will take off her diaper and sit on the potty constantly. I know I need to jump on this excitement but I am really just too busy right now. Maybe after Christmas I will go ahead with it, if she lets me hold her off.

- She has gone from the 25% in height and the 10% in weight to the 90% in height and the 25% in weight. The Doctor and I had a big celebration at these amazing numbers. Her BMI is below the charts due to her huge difference in weight to height. This has proven to make clothes difficult to fit. We need the length but that makes the waist huge. Tall and skinny.. we may be in trouble.

- She loves the bath!

- We love her light brown hair and her big blue eyes.

- She is so, so cute and fun and angelic. And super, super silly. We have such a great time and are so blessed to have this girl in our Family.

4th

I almost forgot about this fun onsie.

2 months old

-I love my swing and my mama roo. I will finally fall asleep in my swing on occasion, my Parents are very grateful for this.

- I could happily be held all day long. I love it but my Mom say's Im being unrealistic.

- I still HATE to have a dirty diaper, I will scream immediately and stop just as soon as Im clean again.

- I have a pretty cute smile and I like to flash it. I especially love to smile at Olivia, I really like her.

-My head is getting stronger every day but its not due to tummy time. My Mom never remembers to do that with me... hey, Im the 4th.

- I sleep about 8-10 hours a night. Im pretty awesome.

- I can still wear a newborn diaper but size my Mom started to pull out the size 1's this last week.

- I love to be around lots of chaos and noise. Mom says its a good thing.

-I drink 3 ounce bottles now

-I never spit up and my Parents are so happy about it

-my 2 month appt. is next week but Mom suspects Im about 8 1/2 pounds.

- I cant wait to see my Grandparents, Aunts, cousins and especially Uncle Ryan (Im named after him so Im hoping he's as cool as Mom say's he is) in a week and a half. That warm pool at Papa's house is calling my name.

- I still love my baths and never make a peep when Im in it.

- I love to look at my toys, mobile, the balls hanging from my Mama Roo and the fish hanging from my swing.

- I really like music and white noise. When I have a hard time falling asleep my Mom turns on the hairdryer and I settle in almost immediately.

- I am still on the Neocate formula and Previcid. Both have proven to help me to feel so good and happy, Im grateful to have them.

- I am starting to coo and its super fun.Plus Mom says I look super cute when I do it.

- I pretty much hate the car these days. Is it too much to ask to just skip all of these car trips and to just stay home and be held?

- i am cute and tiny and awesome.