To know or not to know, that is the question

So we have already had a couple of ultrasounds where we could have been able to know thIs babies gender. When the Ultrasound tech said she could tell right away what it was it got me thinking that this baby may actually be a boy. The ultrasound tech convinced me that "knowing" right away didnt mean it was a boy. I suppose it just means that she's just good at her job.

I have been struggling to make this decision. I am actually totally fine with not knowing what the sex of this baby is. Dave has no interest in waiting but is willing to support me. Part of the problem is that I am so okay with not knowing. That sounds funny but in a way I feel like I have been a little unattached to this pregnancy. Having this all happen so unexpectedly and then all this sickness hitting.... its been rough. I honestly still feel like Im coming to terms with it all, and its taken me a long time. Longer than I'd like to admit.

Part of me wonders if I should find out, if not to get a little more connected. Does that make sense? That knowing the gender may help me to close the gap I feel right now.

We'll see. I have my big 20 week ultrasound in a few weeks so I have time to decide.

To be totally honest I think both Dave and I would like another girl. Drama and all. Dave loves having his 1 boy, so do I. I love the thought of always having girls around. Plus Luke is the perfect boy to be surrounded by little Sisters. A boy has a ton of pluses too.... Ella really wants a little Brother. We cant go wrong either way, which also makes it easy to not find out.

Dear baby...

We got to see you recently. You were "photogenic" as the Dr. said. That meant that the fluids were very dark which, in turn, meant that we could see you very clearly. I dont know who had more fun during the ultrasound, you , Mom and Dad, or the technician.

You were moving like crazy, waving your hands, kicking and opening and closing your mouth. Quite the showman (or show Woman as I still think)

It was so reassuring to see you doing so well. After all that we've both been through I have been on edge, hence this ultrasound.

You're a good baby but I'd really appreciate it if you could do your best to help me feel better soon.

(and o' how easy it would have been to have seen your "parts") What do you think, boy or girl? Luke say's girl but Ella says Boy. I say Girl and Dave claims he has no idea and will therefore not make a guess.

Dave

We are not cheesy people. Its not us. It wasn't my Parents either. This will be short and to the point with as little cheese as possible.

I wanted to thank my Husband. He is amazing.

Thank you for going out almost every night to get me food, because I cant cook these days. And because nothing sounds good long enough to even ask you to cook. Im sure you long for real food every night. Im sorry.

Thank you for not being upset or annoyed after you get back with food and I eat 4 bites and then throw the rest away.

Thank you for bringing up medication in the middle of the night, even though sometimes you were asleep and it took you 2 hours to get that way.

Thank you for letting me sleep in because upon waking up I feel nauseous. I know you're tired, even more so than I am. But you do it any how and you dont mumble or try to make me feel bad.

Thank you for going to the ER with me even though I am asleep most of the time and you have a hard chair to sit in with nothing to do.

Thank you for rubbing my feet, my back and my shoulders every single night. I know I never return the favor.

The day I found out I was pregnant I called you into the bathroom and cried on your shoulder. You took no time for yourself to process, all you did was hold me and tell me that this was going to be fine and that we could certainly do it. I know you were in total shock but all you cared about was making me feel better.

Thank you for doing the dishes almost every day.

Thank you for cleaning the toilets right before I throw up so that it will be clean for me.

Thank you for coming home from a long day at School and letting me be the one who gets the break.

Thank you for making this so easy to write because you are amazing and never cease to make me wonder how I got so lucky.

I love you so much. I know I dont show you very well right now but I hope you always know it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and almost every good thing I have in my life is because of you. (ok, that was cheesy, sorry)

update on, well, me.

Me today, taken with crummy iphone. I am almost 17 weeks.


So here's the newest on me and this pregnancy.

I am coming up on 17 weeks pregnant. I have been in the ER twice in a 12 day period of time. Too much throwing up. The second time I was so set on not needing to go in. It was mind over matter. I would drink an ounce of water only to lose it shortly thereafter. Matter was winning. Once again, I felt defeated. After about 22 hours of not keeping anything down I knew I had to go in. For the baby. Because if it were for me I would have just sucked it up and kept on trucking.

Dr. thought it may be gall bladder problems. We were going to order an ultrasound on it. I went in today to discuss with my Dr. that she no longer felt it was fitting into the profile of Gall Bladder problems and that we were putting that on the back burner. But she was worried. I had lost 8 lbs. in 2 weeks, which isn't at all unheard of, but in your second trimester losing weight becomes a scarier thing.

Doctor put me on a third medication today. I suppose its okay, as long as these things are working, or will work. So far I see the best results from my 8mg of Zofran, but I can only take that one every 6 hours. I need it every 4. I have another that lapses with it but I dont see the same results. Its a bummer. especially at night.

I had some more blood drawn. They're testing my thyroid.

The worst news is that if things dont start changing within the next 2 weeks they will make me got my nutrients through a tube. Anyone out there had to do that? Im worried about it. Im doing my best to avoid that route at all costs.

This baby had better be good and cute. And like being in a car seat.

And after a few more ultrasounds Im still going strong on not knowing what we're having.

Pregnancy and me

This has been my hardest pregnancy. A whirlwind of up's and down's, testings, ultrasounds, sickness, being tired, lack of any energy at all, the red light on any sort of exercise. Its been a tough one. But its ensured us both that it's our last time doing this.

I have hardly had any cravings, other than that of nausea medication. Does that count? It seems that the things I have wanted I eat over and over again. Eventually I get sick and, well, there goes ever wanting that again. Last week it was a Costa Vida salad. I love them. Especially the kick of the dressing. As I got the flu, that eventually landed me in the ER for 5 hours, the first thing I said to Dave was "Crap. There goes my love for Costa Vida." And sure enough, after throwing up about 15 or 20 times (sorry if thats too much information), I dont know if I can ever attempt its deliciousness again.

There has actually been a funny change. Rather than crave things I have mainly just lost the desire for certain things. Example. I love Pepsi. I have tried and tried to kick the habit and I just cant seem to do it. Over the past months a funny thing has happened. I dont want it. I dont really want anything to do with it. Now this may be one of the first things to go as, eventually, Im feeling better. For now, I don't drink the stuff, there's simply no craving. The only thing I want is this


With this pregnancy I almost feel as though Im getting sicker the further along I get. And its a sun up till sun down sort of thing. In that way this pregnancy is much more like the one with Luke. And though I still think its a girl I sat in my 5 1/2 hour meeting today all about boys and it made me imagine it. Another little boy. Its hard to wrap my head around for some reason, maybe because its been girl after girl. I think I've gotten use to the idea of a house full of dresses, bows, plastic heels and nail polish. But, like I said, this has been a very similar "boy"pregnancy. And Im hoping that, like with Luke, one day very soon I will wake up and all of this sickness and exhaustion will have vanished with the night.

But I hope my Pepsi addiction is cured forever. That would be a nice result.

Thoughts

My house is quiet. I have learned to love that. Stillness. The peace that comes from a noiseless hour. I have become my Father as I hear myself say, "Turn off the TV, its just noise." There are times when I can't stand it. Having the TV on, the chaos that comes from scene after scene of, well, pure noise. It gives me a headache. Im getting old.

All 3 kids were in bed asleep by 5:45pm tonight. But thats another blog post in and of itself. "How my life has been altered by virus'. "

Dave's in class. How I still love the way that he lights up when he talks about School. Writing. Teaching. He astounds me. He works so hard and puts in so much of himself. I dont know how he does it all. How he manages to be at the top of his game, and I really mean he is at the top, academically, How he works on and continually tunes his talent of writing, how he manages to take care of us all, even making dinner most nights.( man did he ever luck out in that department) He is the apple of our Children's eyes. They know him. Really know him. Because he gives them almost every piece of him on a daily basis. Yes, Dave is an anomaly. I hope that I can be like him, can love like him and serve like him... one day. He truly deserves every good thing that comes his way.

And now its just me. Sitting here, thinking of my life and how blessed I am. Wondering how it all came to be, how I have been so blessed. Thinking of this tiny baby growing by the minute. This opportunity I have to be a Mother to another incredible spirit. I think of how lucky this baby will be to have 3 other siblings, what a blessing that they will all be to each other for their entire lives. As much as I feel that we have a lot to offer another baby in the way of Parenting, I mean we're pretty fun and awesome, right? I still feel that the bigger blessing are these 3 kids that this baby will join the rank's of. They are everything. Smart, caring, funny, empathetic, kind, silly, athletic, beautiful. The make up of our Children baffle me. I can not wait to see what #4 brings into the mix. And I can not wait to watch them all grow together. Being the younger Sister(In my mind... but we're still not finding out) to Luke, Ella and Olivia is going to be one of the greatest gift's that could ever be given.

And now I go to enjoy the quiet once more. Actually, isn't Modern Family on soon?

Photo website

I am going to try to keep a more updated site with some of the photography that I have been doing.

Check it out at www.photojill.blogspot.com

This is current, as of the past few weeks, and I hope to add new images after each shoot that I do.

Funny Ella

I have been thinking about my Ella a lot recently. Mostly because she is just getting to be such a wonderful little girl. She is the best friend of any little girl I know. How a barely 4 year old and has the sensitivity that she does is beyond me. I love watching her interact with all of her many friends, and everyone is her friend (whether they like it or not) She will literally walk up to little girls at the mall and start up a conversation, which usually consists of some type of compliment on their clothes, shoe's or bow. And it always ends with a big hug. She is so sincere that she hasn't gotten snubbed, or punched, yet upon giving strangers hugs. She truly has the motto, "there are no such things as strangers, just friends who you haven't met yet."

Ella is really funny and silly. She's got a memory that I can not believe. She will hear a song or some line from a movie and will have it memorized right away. She's like her Uncle Ryan in that way! She's also learning to read words and write and does so pretty well.

We just love this cute, sweet, and sassy girl. She's quite a character and I am so happy that she's in our Family for Eternity because a day less wouldn't do!

This is just a short little video of Ella doing a "I won" victory dance. She beat Olivia at getting dressed and was pretty excited. Contrary to what you may think in watching this Ella is actually a very good sport.