Perfection

When I first found out that I was going to be a Mother, over 7 years ago, a thought came into my head. I looked into the future of Motherhood and just "knew" that I was going to be a perfect Mom. I wasn't going to raise my voice, I would have patience galore, I wouldn't let annoying sounds and repetitive songs get the best of me. I'd never loose my cool, I'd take my kids to the park almost daily, I would be totally engaged, tv time would be almost non-existant. Yes, this would come easily for me. I was born to do this. Perfect Mom... that'd surly be me.

So here I am, my oldest is 6 1/2, and I am NOT" perfect Mom", or even close. I have yet to see that Mother that I imagined all of those years ago. In fact, I just got done yelling at my Son as he threw a blanket over Olivia's head while she was climbing up the stairs. So I'm yelling... and Its not even 9am.

I will have nights, usually at the end of a long day, and I will imagine how the next day will go down. Im going to do it, I think. It's going to be the perfect day. Im going to talk with my "nice mommy" voice. Im going to play kitchen and babies with the girls for hours. I will be the opitomy of calm and patient.

I frequently start out days with the resolve that it will be the greatest day ever. That Im going to be the greatest Mom.

And yet, I always fall short. Always. Some days by a LOT. Life goes its way and I get lost in the middle of it. So I let go of my ideal day ideas and resolve that it will have to wait for tomorrow, because today is already too hard.

And then I read this quote from a Mother.

“Maybe it is precisely our inability and anxiousness that urge us to reach out to Him and enhance His ability to reach back to us. Maybe He secretly hopes we will be anxious and will plead for His help. Then, I believe, he can teach these children directly, through us."

It touched me strongly. It is so true.

If there were perfect days, free from frustrations, we would rarely solicit His help. Days of dulled patience and even feelings of failure are always the days that I am most likely to fall on my knees and ask for help. I know that He loves this Children. Loves them more that I can comprehend, more than I love them. (and that's hard to even imagine) And those times of prayer, in behalf of my own short-comings with my Children, are the times that I feel the most inspiration on their behalf.

Its a beautiful thing when you think about it. I know that Heavenly Father is there always, waiting for me to stop relying on my own failed attempts and to reach out for His help. And when I submit to that, those are alway the best days when I have the most determination to do and to be better.

I have a long way to go but I know that He will help me to be the kind of Mother that I strive to be, that these kids deserve. I only need to go to him in my times of anxiousness and frustrations.

I let go of the idea of a perfect day and I hope to have more day's guided by Heavenly Father. Those will be the greatest days for us all.