Yesterday was a really hard day for Luke. Most days have been really hard on him since this move. I think its a mix of everything. He's now gone weeks without therapy or Pre-School, which is hard enough on him. Coupled with these huge life changes and surrounded by a world of differences (Luke does not do different very well) its clear why life has been rough.
Yesterday was particularly rough. I found myself asking all sorts of questions. "Who is this boy?" "What am I doing wrong?" "What were good days like before?" "How did I end up with such a hard child?"and my lowest of the day, "What are we thinking having a 3rd when I cant even handle my first?" Pretty pathetic, right? It was a hard day on both of us I guess. After carrying my 39 lb. four year old out of the Grocery Store kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs while everyone stared as though they'd never seen such an out of control kid, I lost it. Maybe it was the end of a very frustrating day. Maybe it was the scratching I got as I was forcing him into his seat. Or the fact that the melt-down continued for almost a hour. But by the time I got home I lost it. I couldn't even look at Luke, let alone talk to him. I simply ignored him and hid myself outside on the porch, crying and feeling sorry for myself for a good 30 minutes.
This was not a proud moment as a Parent and I am ashamed to say it. But thats the reality. I pulled out and away from my 4 year old, its all I could do.
By the time I got inside Luke was asleep. I panicked. Did he fall asleep thinking that he was a bad boy. That his Mommy, who should be by his side all the time, didn't want to tuck him in, was angry with him. I rushed right upstairs to see if I could redeem myself. Maybe he was still awake. I was suddenly dying inside. So ashamed and so embarrassed.
I opened his door and sure enough he was out. Luke's a light sleeper so I thought for sure I could wake him. I laid next to his sweet face and my tears hit his face as I kissed it. I whispered "I love you Buddy. You're such a good boy." He didn't budge. And it killed me. I wrapped my arm around his little chest and then brushed his face. Nothing. He was asleep and I had lost my chance. As he laid there peacefully, soundly, I felt a huge rush come over me. This boy was not only my boy but Heavenly Fathers boy as well. He was sent to me to care for because He felt that I could do the best job. And all of the wonderful traits and talents of this grown spirit in this little body hit me as well. How could I feel sorry for myself when I have him? The good days couple with the bad. Luke is mine. And I am lucky. I fell asleep as I was cradling him, his pillow wet from my tears that freely fell. Not because I was sad, or didn't know what to do with him. But because I loved him so much and all I wanted was for him to know it.
Today was a perfect day. Luke was happy, generous, fun and patient. It made yesterday feel like it was years ago.
And tonight was sweet. Plain sweet. We got him his own "Book of Mormon" and we read it tonight for a bedtime story. Maybe I could get a few verses in before he lost interest. I started. Got to verse 5. stopped. He wanted more. I read a few more verses. He begged me to continue. After the first chapter he pleaded with me to read a second. How could we resist? Dave took over and read the entire second chapter. Word for word, a few summaries. He ate it up. He was sad when the book was laid to rest on his dresser, though we made promises to continue tomorrow. And once again it hit me. This boy is indeed special. And I have the blessing to be his Mother. I get to see this incredible spirit unfold before my eyes. I am so grateful, so thankful.
14 comments:
You are a great mom Jill. And a perfect mom for your children. Thanks for sharing this story. You know you aren't alone. All mothers go through similiar events everyday. If we didn't, how would we become better moms? We aren't perfect, but we can grow to be better. You are better because of your sad Luke day. In the mean time, enjoy the happy Luke and good luck with the adjusting to Colorado.
Oh Jill!!!!!! I love you because you are REAL. YOu don't only post about the "good stuff" you post about REAL LIFE stuff. It helps all of us other moms deal with our crazy moments too. Thanks for sharing this story! Hang in there...a new routine will start soon and hopefully that will help Luke...and YOU! :)
Your experiences with Luke always touch my heart. Every mom has those painful experiences that make us wonder why we became a mom. Then we have the joyous ones to remind us. I feel so privileged to be you mother-in-law. Heavenly Father knew Luke would need special care and found the best mom (and dad) for the job. Thanks for sharing your most intimate feelings with us. We love you.
I love you both and miss you so much!! You are an amazing mommy to those kids and no amount of you being frustrated takes that away. I look up to you in most everything I do. "Love your guts" to all my Colorado Family!
Congratulations on making it to Colorado and Jill . . . you are one amazing Mother. Really. Not only were you having a hard time with Luke, but instead of yelling and screaming at him you went outside to calmed your ownself down and then you went upstairs to love your little boy. You are such a huge example to me. Good luck with the change of the move. That is very hard on any kids and I am sure even harder on Luke. You really are amazing!
Don't be hard on yourself. I sometimes wonder how people even have a first child- let alone a third! You are a saint. I hope I can be as patient with my future kids one day as you are with yours!
I'm back in CA and I got your note. It is too bad we missed each other. I'm glad you are settling in well though!
Oh and i LOVE your blog wallpaper or theme or whatever! :)
oh so every mom goes through days like that. I have been wanting to post about our horrible time trying to get Porter to sleep in his big boy bed, but I thought...no, no one has parental issues like this. But then I read and felt you pain and saddness. It is hard sometimes, but the good times make it easy to forget the bad times. Thanks for sharing. Your quite the writer too.
I really enjoyed reading this, because it gave me a little perspective. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I think it is the greatest compliment Heavenly Father could have given you, sending you Luke. He absolutely knew you were the best one for the job. And you are doing a wonderful job, Jill.
Every kid, AND MOM, have their bad days. It's part of the learning process. That's why the word sorry was created. :)
Miss you.
I love this post. Jill, I'm sure you know this, but most of us feel that way when our kid has a day like that, and probably most of us don't have the epiphany and spiritual experience you did immediately following. :) You are a great Mom and Luke is obviously very, very much loved and cared for!
That's soo sweet Jill, I got all choked up. There have been a few times where I've come across difficult people (since I don't have kids yet) where I have had that moment of insight. Suddenly you get the feeling that this is Heavenly Father's child and he loves them, and that they are important. And it is your responsibility to love them simply because they need it and Heavenly Father has sent them to us for that reason.
It's always sort of surprising to suddenly see the need of showing compassion and to see past the surface and in a way see their spirit. Luke is a lucky boy to have a mother who understands that and realizes that there is such a special spirit sent from his Heavenly Father to you. You're doing great Jill.
Jill just know we ALL have those days - especially ones we aren't proud of. Don't be tough on yourself (I know easier said than done!) I know you and you are an incredible mother. As lucky as you are to have Luke, he is lucky to have you too! You've all been through a crazy time, cut yourself some slack girl! XO
Jill, I wish we lived closer! This brought tears to my eyes . . . I have to say you are not alone. I think you are a wonderful Mom and think it was good to give yourself a moment - a "time out" even. Anyway, I loved talking to you on the phone yesterday, and love reading about everything that is going on with you and your family - the good and the difficult times. Thanks for keeping it real!
I love you. You have always been a great friend and likewise a Mother.
With tears steaming down my face after reading this blog (once-in-a-while I click on Vanessa'a links), I want to tell you that I have been there and felt those same feelings. Royce who has cerebral palsy and has had slow social adjustments is now 22 years old and I can remember vividly the times he had meltdowns when he was in his early teens.....with the rush of testosterone cursing thru his veins. I, too, would lose it and have to retreat for my sanity with great remorse and regret later for things said or done in the moment of conflict. At times like this, WE increase our understanding of our role as mothers of special children and gain an increased love for our Heavenly Father. We truly learn humility, love, patience, and service by being these sweet boys' mothers! Number 3 will be a joy and you will a great mother to her also!
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