Today I went to Cherry Creek Mall with the 3 kids, all by myself.
Sounds trivial and obscure, no? Well its not for me.
You see 3 years ago this January Ella was about 5 weeks old. And on that cold day years ago I decided to make my first venture to the outside world. With my 2 kids. All by myself. I knew it may be hard but I could handle it. Luke needed to get out and I would do it for him. And it was terrible. I dont think I will ever forget that day.
Ella cried constantly. Luke screamed until I let him out of the stroller, then, my 22 month old proceeded to run away from me. Its not easy to run around the mall with a newborn in tow, chasing after a toddler who won't listen if his life depended on it. All the while trying to appear as though everything was under control and that I wasn't on the verge of tears. I felt like everyone was watching me wondering why on earth I had these 2 small children whom I had zero control over. I finally caught Luke and held him down with one arm while buckling the seatbelt with the other, we all know this move, right? He screamed and screamed. I knew it was past time to leave. I sadly re-visited the voice in my head telling me I should leave this excursion for another day. The one I pushed aside earlier when I loaded the kids into the car.
I got to the car. It was a cold and windy day in Chicago. I got the 2 crying kids in and went to put the stroller in the back. I was on the verge of loosing it. The the last straw. I could not figure out how to fold my stroller. The kids were yelling, a car had now arrived and had turned on its annoying yellow blinker. Nothing had ever made me feel so rushed and so helpless as that light did on that afternoon. I tried to rush and looked like a fool clumsily manipulating every button and lever I could on my new double Maclaren stroller. Nothing. I wanted to leave it. Just throw the stroller, jump in the car and leave it behind. Just like I wanted to to with the entire experience. It hit me. "Lift the entire thing into the car, it will fit." So I did. And it fit.
I climbed into the white Pacifica, drove away and started to cry. I felt like a failure. People had 2 kids all of the time, why couldn't I do it? What was wrong with me? What were the next few months going to be like?
I called my very wise Sister who comforted me marvelously. She said I was still adjusting. She told me I was crazy to try to push myself with these 2 small kids. To slow down and to be ok with waiting to go out with a newborn in tow. That my kids would be no worse off if they played at home until I felt ready to go. That I needed to do things for me right now, to listen to my intuition.She made me feel better and I am still grateful she was there for me on that depressing day when I sobbed through the entire call.
Today was a clear visit to that memory. I got into the silver Honda and drove my 3 kids to the mall. There was little crying, Olivia was a bit grumpy until she fell asleep in her pouch after 5 minutes. There was not a bit of running away. There were fun conversations. There was laughter and silliness. There was even time, and energy, for smoothies and chicken. To be eaten at the mall, not in the car so that I could rush them back into their restraints. I was enjoying this afternoon and I was in no hurry to escape it.
I felt empowered today. I felt I could do anything. I even folded the stroller in a record breaking 1.45 seconds and happily floated to my seat before I, gratefully, drove away with not one tear.
9 comments:
I am so glad to hear that things went so much smoother this time. Seems like you are handling 2 just great. I knew you would. I just love reading your posts. You have a knack for taking all of us readers along with you on your journey.
Love you.
Can I just say, I was reading this... feeling very bad... until this-
"I could not figure out how to fold my stroller. The kids were yelling, a car had now arrived and had turned on its annoying yellow blinker. Nothing had ever made me feel so rushed and so helpless as that light did on that afternoon."
Can I just say, that VERY thing has happened to me!! I had to flag the car and tell them to go because I was so retarded and I couldn't figure out the stroller. I then called my sister who had to walk me through closing it (granted it was HER stroller after all).
I'm glad this trip was better for you. People always tell me that going from 2 to 3 is easier than going from 1 to 2.
Good for you Jill!!
I think I might have sat on the ground next to my trunk and stroller and cried if that was my day. I hate blinker presure.
Cant wait to see you, the girls are excited!!
i am glad that you had a better go at things this time. i love getting out with my children. it is so much nicer than the alternative of sitting at home with my 3 children all day long. i love it when people are like, "you actually take all three of them to do your grocery shopping?" master taking them out (though it sounds like you already have) because it is so nice not being scared to take them everywhere by yourself. i wish we could take all 6 of our kids places together. miss ya!
I loved reading that! I think because I could relate too well to your first account when #2 came for me and you gave me a lot of hope with #3 on it way! I am glad you had a better day today than 3 years ago. You are such a cute Mom. I love reading your blog!!
Sounds like a fun day! I'm glad things weren't as stressful this time - I can just picture you walking around the mall with your 3little cuties! We can't wait to see you!
I always knew you could do anything. Love you.
Jill you are such a great storyteller! I love reading your posts.
Adjusting to #2 was definitely much harder than adjusting to #3, FOR SURE! I am so glad that it was a good day and that you took the time to reflect on how much you've grown and learned since that first bad day out with 2!!!
Wow Jill, and I am trying to just cope with one. You are an amazing mother.
Noel
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