Saturday, April 18, 2009

The scared scar

When I was about 10 years old I was changed forever. It wasn't because I started to notice boys a little more or because I realized I was faster than most of them. It was because I was afraid. And it changed me for good.

I was in my room on San Roque with my little Sister Megan. Who knows what we were doing, probably arguing over cleaning our room or making up stories on a tape recorder. Suddenly there was a tap on the window. I vividly remember peering out into the dark night and seeing a horribly scary face staring back at me. It gives me chills now. He lunged at the window and ran away upon our screams of terror. I dont think anyone within a miles radius did not hear us. My Dad was in our rooms before I got my first breath and out the front door upon my 5th. I remember standing there with my Mom, unable to control my badly shaking body.

Long story short it ended up the terrifying face was a masked neighbor intending on the window of my older Sister. A good scare would be fun right? It turned into the nightmare I relived for years both awake and asleep. Knowing it was a prank gone wrong made absolutely no difference to a traumatized 10 year old. And that was when it all started.

I became afraid of everything. The fact that someone was watching me in the night never went away. All windows became covered after dusk, bathroom floors became my bed in the middle of the night, it would be years before I could sleep in my own twin bed or before I could go outside at night. I use to love scary movies. Strange I know. But it made me feel better, being afraid for a justifiable reason. If I awoke at night, scared from a bad dream, I would scream to get my Dad to come in and be with me. I was to afraid to get out of my bed and go into their room, it was like I was paralyzed. My Parents felt helpless. My siblings were seriously annoyed and unsympathetic. Normal functioning had a new standard.

I look back at that poor girl and my heart yearns to tell her she'd be okay. To not waste years on being afraid. I wish she'd have gotten help. It was that bad. It is so sad.

To this day I have a different normal when it comes to the dark and windows. The thoughts are always there. That scared little girl is still inside. I have gotten use to it though. Its the only way I know. Closed shutters and blinds, an over cautious sense, a highly over-exaggerated imagination. As a young adult, with mostly male friends who liked to play tricks, I issued a harsh warning never to scare me. Everyone close to me knew there was aline never to cross. I think I was too close to the looney bin and they didn't want to see me thrown in.

Night and I are not friends. I do not frequent it and I don't welcome it's arrival. Late nights and over-night travels for my Husband? I married someone who I knew it wouldn't be an issue with. Its why I said yes to a Dog. I am a little bit crazy. I know this. I've been working through it for 20 years.

This all come back in full effect when one of my kids feels afraid. Luke had such a hard time going to bed tonight. Who would have thought Jumanji could have done it? Evidently the part where the little boy gets sucked into the game can not leave his thoughts. It scared him terribly. And he can't sleep.

So I lay with him till he drifts off. I let him go into his Sisters bed when he wakes up again. And into mine when he's up for the third time. I have his Dad give him extra snuggles and to hold him tight. And if it happens 5 more times tonight and I get no sleep? I dont care. I will lay with him all night if I need to. Because I know. And its awful. And I pray he gets over each scare without a scar.

6 comments:

Tasha said...

So sad. I actually really understand though. For me it was when I was 12 and the YW leaders had a police officer come and talk to us girls about being cautious and careful. They taught us about rape and how people will watch you and seriously scared me to death!! I was already a scared child by nature, but pretty much I am still paranoid and scared from all this police officer taught us. I spent many nights scared stiff in my bed (still do for that matter. Sad, but very very true.) If Brian has to go away for a few days because of work (which is very rare, but does happen) I literally have to sleep with my door locked. I am too scared. I love this post because I too would try to keep my children from having the same scared thoughts I live with. I love you Jill. Hope the night does not go too badly and that Luke is able to not hang onto his scared thoughts for too long.

Deb said...

I wasn't even scarded as a child by some kind of prank, but i too have this little voice in my head. At night i think of all sorts of things that could happen to me. I always think someone is watching if my blinds aren't shut. I sleep with the TV or a light on to fall asleep, if Kevin is gone. I hate to not have him here when i go to sleep. I cannot even put my finger on why i am like this, but i am and i too deal with it. It's a good thing my hubby is a freak when it comes to checking the house to make sure every window and door is shut and locked at night. I freak out even more when i here story's on the news about people going through windows and stuff. Auh it is a scary world we live in.

Tiffany J said...

I TOTALLY know the feeling! I think I saw one scary movie too many and now I can't even watch previews for the horror movies that are coming into theatres. I HATE that there's the option of a "GRAVEYARD" shift with Steve's job! It scares me to death to go to sleep in my room, in a huge bed, in the dark, ALL alone. To be the one who would have to defend me and my children if someone broke in....it gives me chills and goosebumps! I hate being like that...I wish I was braver...

Megan McCrindle said...

I totally remember this too. We were putting our doll's matching pajamas on them- that's what we were doing. And then Ky went out with the guys to scare other people with his wearwolf mask that he had. We slept in the doorway to our room for like 5 years straight. How we managed to come out of that without having terrible back problems is beyond me!! Lol.
I still get scared of open windows sometimes, and I still feel like someone is watching me too, sometimes.

Ryan said...

Tell him to rub some dirt on it and get over it. That seemed to work when I told that to you all those years ago. ;)

By the way I told Dave Garrick about your post and he said he was sorry.

Ryan

regibells said...

ahhh Jill I can relate to this too. It went away for awhile until Steve started traveling alot I take the feeling of being safe for granted until he is gone...and then I sleep with a Butcher knife in my drawer next to my bed....physco? I know! I even have to do a walk through in the basement with a baseball bat and someone on the phone with me. I guess some things never change. Thanks for sharing....know I don't feel like such an idiot! lol

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